I had a miscarriage six months back, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby I lost.
I am a woman in my late thirties and have recently gone through a very traumatic incident. I was pregnant last year, and three months into the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage.
I work at a pharmaceutical company and have a very caring partner. Everything was going as well as it could, and then we got the news that I was pregnant. I was extremely jovial as I had wanted a child for as long as I could remember. It was the most wonderful news. We were all extra cautious about the pregnancy from the beginning. My husband used to prevent me from doing anything taxing, be it physical, mental or emotional. The pregnancy brought us closer too. Everything was going so great. But then, that horrifying day arrived.
I was at work when it happened. I was talking to a colleague when suddenly, I started feeling dizzy, and before I knew it, I had fallen to the ground. Everything turned jet black. I woke up in a hospital bed, tubes and pipes coming out of my veins in my hands. I was astonished, but then I saw my husband standing beside me with a dumbfounded look on his face. He was so relieved to see me conscious. But I could sense that something was wrong looking at his eyes, which portrayed immense sadness. When the doctor came in, he told me that I would be fine in a few days, and that unfortunately, I had lost my baby.
Six months since, those words uttered by the doctor kept haunting me. After that incident, I had no interest in work, festivities, or meeting friends. When my husband would show mild affection, I would not like it. I did not feel like partaking in anything, to the point that whenever I tried to cook something, more often than not, I would either burn it or make it utterly inedible. In contrast, I was a marvelous cook before my miscarriage.
Moreover, I felt immense guilt. Even though the doctor repeatedly told me that whatever happened was not my fault, I felt like I failed my first child. I couldn’t even give it the life it deserved. I thought that I was a failure as a mother.
I felt anxious and ashamed to tell my parents and in-laws about what happened even though they never said anything remotely hurtful or blamed me. Every day my mother used to call me to talk about it, and while I was grateful to have a supportive family, I was incredibly anxious when the time arrived for her to call. I didn’t know what to say or think. All I felt was this enormous hollowness in my chest.
My relationship with my husband also began deteriorating. I hardly talked to him anymore. Although I still loved him, I did not feel any affection or understanding naturally. I realized that we needed to work towards fixing our relationship. However, I did not think I could do that despite the fact that it had been half a year since the incident. Time had not healed this wound.
There was a colleague of mine who had also had a miscarriage two years earlier. She saw my condition and handed me her counsellor’s contact. I started seeing her immediately. After the first session, I told my husband about it and he was all up for it. He was happy that I decided to take this step.
When I started seeing the counselor, it made a significant difference in my life. I realized the root of my trauma, and figured out how to process it. Through all of my pain, I didn’t see my partner was grieving too. Pain, when shared, often becomes easier to process – this realization dawned upon me. We learned how to understand and help each other through our pain.
With a lot of work, I also understood that the miscarriage was not my fault. It just happened, like a lot of other things happen naturally, with no one to blame. I am still working through my guilt. I will continue to work on myself, and I feel that with some more work, I will be ready to try again in the future. However, right now, I am focusing on healing myself first.