I had a hard time trusting my partner.
In any relationship, one of the foundational core values is trust. Trust is when you have faith in your partner because you feel secure around them. When you don’t have that faith in your partner, it affects you internally and may cause emotional distress.
Growing up, I always witnessed constant family conflicts, parents doubting each other, lying to each other, and mostly staying out. Being a single child restricted me from sharing my feelings and thoughts with what could have been possible to do with my siblings. I had never been close to my cousins, nor had I ever been comfortable enough to confide my personal issues with my friends. Not being able to share these things and openly talk about my feelings made me create a defensive wall against everyone around me. It resulted in a growing pain and fear every time I got close to someone, whether it was one of my friends or a love interest.
My first relationship didn’t go very well. I was manipulated and gaslighted every day by my partner in that relationship. It led to me questioning my values and personality to a great extent. During that time, I didn’t realise my worth and continued to be a part of the toxicity for quite a long time. Finally, when I could not deal with it any further, I decided to break up. But it was a difficult situation to handle the separation.
A few months after my breakup, I met a guy through our common friends. Gradually, we started talking a lot, which made me somewhat dependent on him. I was able to connect with him and liked his company, but found it extremely difficult to trust him. I decided to continue the bond, and we finally got into a relationship. However, even during that period, my trust didn’t develop fully. I always assumed the worst about what he had to say. Every time he informed me that he would be unable to make it to our date due to other commitments, I could not help but think about the possibility of him cheating on me. Was I overthinking, or did I get it right? My trust issues made me sceptical of every action of his. Thoughts like “Was he trying to deceive me?” and “Was I being overly suspicious?” would keep going on in my mind all day. My thoughts continued to agitate me, and I became stressed as these questions lingered in my mind. I couldn’t focus on other aspects of my life or on the good parts of this relationship. I did not want to have a helicopter mentality of overprotecting my partner because of the fear of losing him. At times, I would question him a lot, while at other times, I would let go of even important things, thinking that he might think I was doubting him all the time. I tried to run away from my problems, and the only solution I could think of was to break up.
But after I broke-up with my partner because of my insecurities, I was completely devastated. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. I wanted to think calmly and then make a decision, but was not able to do that. To address these concerns, I finally decided to seek therapy. I wanted to start therapy to focus on myself, gain peace and balance in my relationship, and have faith in my partner. When I went for therapy, it felt very good to share all that I had been holding in my mind for so many years. Finally, I could talk to someone about all that had happened in my life in the last so many years. Therapy became my safe space. I did not have to think before sharing anything, as I knew it was completely confidential and nobody was there to judge me. Through therapy, I started to understand myself and my priorities better.
My therapist made me think about my relationship in an objective manner, and I started to understand how my trust issues and behaviour affected the relationship. I also realized how I could have better handled myself in those difficult times. Therapy gave me the confidence to go back to my partner and share my concerns and feelings with him instead of distancing myself from him. I realized that he was an understanding, generous, and loyal person who encouraged me to improve and achieve new heights, but I couldn’t see this earlier due to my own doubts and insecurities. He supported me in my therapeutic journey and even suggested going for couple therapy, which helped both of us strengthen our relationship. Instead of solely noticing his flaws or mistakes, I started focusing more on his good deeds towards me and how he supported me, which helped our relationship grow in a healthy manner. Through all this, I realized that working on oneself and loving oneself are just as important as working on the relationship, and that should be everyone’s priority in order for any relationship to thrive.
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